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Type of bind: Paperback
Dewey Decimal Number: 158.2
EAN num: 9780060928971
ISBN number: 0060928972
Label: Harper Paperbacks
Manufacturer: Harper Paperbacks
Quantity: 1
Page Count: 272
Printing Date: April 01, 1998
Publishing house: Harper Paperbacks
Release Date: March 04, 1998
Sale Popularity Level: 3055
Studio: Harper Paperbacks
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'If you really loved me...'
'After all I've done for you...'
'How can you be so selfish...'
Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance.
Susan Forward knows what pushes our hot buttons. Just as John Gray illuminates the communications gap between the sexes in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Harriet Lerner describes an intricate dynamic in The Dance of Anger, so Susan Forward presents the anatomy of a relationship damaged by manipulation, and gives readers an arsenal of tools to fight back. In her clear, no-nonsense style, Forward provides powerful, practical strategies for blackmail targets, including checklists, practice scenarios and concrete communications techniques that will strengthen relationships and break the blackmail cycle for good.
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Rated by buyers -
This book was an extremely enlightening and relevant read for me. I've recommended it to a lot of people and have already lent my copy to my sister to read. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of in your relationship, or feel you often fall into this trap, this book is the perfect read for you.
The book is laid out by very first introducing the reader to the idea of emotional blackmail. Forward uses case studies from her own practice to illustrate the instances of blackmail that several of her clients have experienced. One or more of these should relate to your life, and the ones that don't are actually still relevant to the reader because they teach us what emotional blackmail is and the different forms in which they appear. Emotional blackmail is another word for manipulation, those who play on your soft feelings, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses in order to get their way. This unhealthy pattern often causes the rift in a relationship and if the manipulated party involved does not know how to spot it and protect themselves from it, they will end up ultimately unfulfilled, or worse, badly hurt by this manipulator. That is if the relationship lasts, and this dynamic most often does not help those chances.
It's important to note that this book is not about becoming hostile and defensive toward these manipulators. It does not try to have you break contact with them or see them as enemies. The approach is much more healthy and nurturing. After very first identifying the instances of emotional blackmail, Forward details the different methods that manipulators use to get their way. She uses the acronym FOG, which stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, to describe them. Later chapters talk about the traits and disposition of the victims of manipulation and gives you reasons not to fall prey to those styles of thinking. The end of the book deals with the ways in which we can break free from emotional blackmail and teaches us personal exercises we can do before approaching the blackmailers in our lives.
The book focuses on dating, family, friends, business, money, and many more topics and it is a really fascinating and compelling read. I honestly was very deeply engrossed in the book and internalized it as much as I could. I've used these techniques already and they've helped tremendously, and I intend to continue referencing this book whenever I find myself slipping from my objective and giving in to others too much.
I'm really interested in this subject matter and for anyone who is also interested, I recommend reading P.M. Forni's "The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude" as an accompaniment to this book. Forni's book details a multitude of common situations in which people act rude and provides the reader with helpful, civil responses for handling them. While Forward's book is the best because it goes in much more depth and is much more psychologically pressing, Forni's book is a practical guide that will also prove to be beneficial.
I really appreciate Susan Forward for writing this book. It really can help people who have this sort of problem and it is a problem that many people have in one form or another. The book made me realize the pervasive role manipulation plays in relationships or dealings with people, and how I've overlooked so much of the blackmail in my own experiences and have let people do their tricks on me. Forward reminds us that the blackmailers may not even see what they're doing as blackmail, and so neither will we. The information here is really so interesting, and I urge you to read it as soon as possible.
Rated by buyers -
Great book for people who are pressured to do things againt their will
People who are easily manipulated by people close to them (spouse, parent, friend.. etc)
After reading this book I see things more clearly now
how blackmailers use Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) tackticts to get their target's complaince
This book shows you also which emotion of the 3 affects your decision the most and how to over come them, it also shows how you can take a stand for what you believe in
What I like about this book is that you don't have to have a PHD in physcology to understand it and implement it's excersices in daily life, any one can do it
Yes I can stand it, I CAN stand it
I highly recommend this book :)
Rated by buyers -
I was so glad to finally find a book that spoke of exactly what the truth of the matter is. I loved how Susan took the subject and instead of making it about victims, she made it about how to watch for the signs of emotional blackmail, how to recognize the difference of conflicting feeling verses control issues. I enjoyed reading this book more than any other Verbal abuse book I have read so far. She hits the nail on the head with this book.. it is blackmail, simple as that! In the last part she give great advise of how to handle different types of situations and I have found them helpful. It has certainly help me understand how to handle these types of attacks and why they happen. I highly recommend this book!
Rated by buyers 
-
The book IS great, you can read about its value in every other review on this site. I will not repeat them, instead I will tell about the little "but..": most of "healthy" or "non-pathological" relationships we support is not of the bipolar model of the offender and the offended one. Usually we use some forms of lightweight blackmail in one place where receive it in another: it is very hard to draw a distinct rule between asking and manipulating, and the more we need/want/desire something from the partner the blurrier is the border. And unfortunately you will find anything but help in "double blackmail", "crossfire", where BOTH sides of the story can read the book and find that they are the victims. The only hope is that they both get smarter with reading the book and start talking to each other. Which is very likely, as the book IS great indeed ;)
Rated by buyers -
I myself am currently in the FOG that she describes in this and it has hit home very well and helping me redeem myself. She's VERY good at explaining and assisting. Sometimes I feel she's right there. Very informative about the different types of emotional blackmailers. I'm not done reading, but have gotten 3/4 of the way and I am so happy I bought this book. It caught my eye one day browsing through the bookstore, never bought it out of fear probably. My friend coaxed me into buying it and I'm glad I did. If anything, it will bring confidence and give you some sort of support while trying to figure out what is going on. Put you in the right direction so you can be free and clear! Basically, this book is AWESOME, INFORMATIVE, and a must read for current victims of emotional blackmail.
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